Stanley was an Orthodox Jew who taught electrical engineering at a large American university. Yaseen, head of the Diversity-Inclusion-Equity office, took a disliking to Stanley. He suspected Stanely of being a Zionist, a misogynist, a homophobe, and a litany of other heresies against wokeness. (He was also not super-fond of Jews, per se.) Yaseen hatched a clever plan to oust Stanley. He recruited Zoey, who identified as a woman but didn’t really pass, to come to Stanley’s office hours and try to shake his hand. Now Yaseen knew that Orthodox Jews are shomer negiah — they refrain from touching members of the opposite sex. So if Stanley were to shake Zoey’s hand, that would mean that he considered Zoey to be a man, thereby misgendering er, him. A fireable offense! But if Stanley refrained from touching Zoey, he’d be in the clear.
The fateful day came. Zoey knocked on Stanley’s door, and upon being invited to enter, promptly baritoned “Zoey, nice to meet you!” and extended, er, his hand toward Stanley. Stanley raised his open hand half-way, but rather than proceeding to the handshake, motioned for Zoey to sit down, and sat down himself. After awkwardly standing for a few more moments with an outstretched hand, Zoey turned around and left. “It’s a no go,” he SMS’d Yaseen.
What Zoey and Yaseen didn’t know is that Stanley was a germophobe, who never shook anybody’s hand.
____________________________________________
Update. A reader suggests the alternative ending: Stanley was actually a transphobe and did not want to shake Zoey’s hand, even though he wasn’t ritually prohibited from doing so.
posttenuretourettes 